It’s not every day that you wake up on the other side of the bed and wonder, “what happened?.” You reach for your phone to see if the “good morning beautiful” texts he religiously sent would be there today, but there’s still no text, only the overinflated, red heart emoji he sent 3 weeks ago, which now seems more of an insult than an expression of love. Hate to break it to ya sis, but you may have been ghosted.
Straight facts: ghosting hurts. Sometimes even as much as breakups. We could deny it all we want – you truly cared about him- and that’s the reason you keep checking your texts, emails, online dating profile; whatever it may be, in hopes that it will somehow dull the pain, and that you’ll hear from him one last time. Chances are you probably won’t, and if you do, how different will things be? Would you still feel the same way about him? The fact is, however things do work out, ghosting is not ok.
Trending in the early 2000s, the word ghosting also known as icing, which describes the act of abruptly ‘disappearing’ or ceasing all communication without explanation.
That’s what ghosts do right?
Disappear and appear when you least expect it. Typical ghost behaviour includes “ending all communication with someone without any apparent warning or justification, and thereafter withdrawing contact, ignoring (or sometimes even preventing) any attempts to reach out made by said person.”
Block, delete, move right along, sounds familiar?
Any proud ghosts in the building? No worries. We totally understand, the interesting and stalker-ish personalities we meet online often require the use of that block button, and, for safety reasons, are quite deserving of it. But you’re a lover, not a stalker, and so the odds should be in your favor, or so you thought…Wrong.
A 2019 YouGov survey of US adults revealed that 30 percent had ghosted a friend or romantic partner. So, what happens when we’re the ones being ghosted? For no reason at all? The rejection can sting and often our need for connection and closure, trumps our fear of getting hurt again.
Sis here are a few things to bear in mind:
“No message is also a message”
Closure is a helluva thing and is something the ghosted often crave. The reality is that wanting closure, and requesting it from your ghost, doesn’t mean you’ll get it. Sending a bunch of messages, trying to get answers to mind-searing questions, going to his social media profiles to see if he’s moved on with someone else, isn’t going to get you answers. In fact, doing so will add to your list of questions. Hard to say and even harder to accept is, receiving no communication is also an indication of an end and all the closure you’ll ever get.
“He’s just not that into you”
By nature, we all have an innate desire to connect, form meaningful relationships, and bond, but forcing connections just ain’t it, sis. If you feel like you’re being ghosted, calmly and respectfully communicate your feelings. Subsequently, if your feelings aren’t acknowledged and supported with some empathy and (or) changed behaviour, let the man go. Do not call, do not text, do not write him a letter/email confessing your undying love for him thinking he’ll pull up like a knight in shining armour at your door. Save yourself, and simply leave him be, love and connections weren’t meant to be forced. He doesn’t want you? That’s ok, His loss. Periodt.
“Dig deep”
Now we are all about that growth and maturity, and a part of being grown and mature is recognizing when we’re at fault, and, well…owning it. Could it be something you said or didn’t say, might you have unconsciously created a particular expectation through your actions though your words were saying something else? For example, leading him on knowing you had no intentions of ever being exclusive with him, hellluuur!! Men can easily spot these things too, sis. If that’s the case, please come down from your high horse and try to make things right by him. “Mistreating people then avoiding communication is not protecting your peace, it’s avoiding accountability” (Godlydating 101). Taking this step is not to by any means justify his behaviour, but to ensure you are doing your part in creating space for intentional, open, and honest communication. It also flips the script and makes you the ghost; hypothetically, being in the land of the dead is not a place you want to be.
