We have come to terms with the whys, but how do we move on as women? How do we open our hearts again to another prospective friendship without the trauma eating away at us? Honestly, it’s hard to move on, especially when you have given so much in a friendship and thought the secrets you shared, life experiences you went through together and bond was unbreakable. But things happen and the world continues.
Here are some ways you can identify if you are still wounded and ways to get to healing after you are no longer girlfriends.
Am I still hurt?
So you’ve broken it off with a friend that you thought was in it for the long haul. You’ve been through the anger, grief and tears and now feel you are ready to try again with another friend; but, you are not sure if you are ready, let’s do the heart test.
Do I compare my new friendship with my old one?
Do you find yourself saying “well Keisha was like that too” or anything else that causes you to compare past friendships with the current one? This may be an indication that you are still hurting. Although the wound seems healed, there is a renewing of the mind that needs to take place in order for the soul to be healed too. If you are unhealed you may find yourself becoming emotional when similarities of past friendships present themselves in new friendships. This can cause you to push away people who do care about you and want to create a genuine bond with you.
Do I find it difficult to dive deeper in the building of a new friendship?
You may feel okay to share surface level stuff with an associate but when you are in a bona fide friendship it takes a level of trust and openness that leaves you vulnerable. Maybe in the previous relationship you had bared your heart to that person and now that you are no longer friends your heart creates a mechanism of protection and it becomes harder to open up to others.
Do I still get upset or cry about my past friendship?
Do you still (in private) have a good bawling session thinking about that previous friendship and all that you have given it? Do you still think about the person and feel sad inside? It is healthy to cry but it is also unhealthy to dwell and rehash experiences from your past when it causes you pain. If you are still thinking about what transpired, emotionally, you may have yet to be in that place where you can let someone in or allow them to get to that intimate level of friendship.
How do I heal?
Face the issues.
Sounds harsh? The first step is acknowledging that you are still hurting and then getting the help you need to heal. This can be in the form of counselling. You must get to that place where you can unburden your heart. A cloud that is full has no choice but to dump rain. Someone wounded, once they get to the full capacity (of hurt) can’t control it, they dump on everyone around them. Face the past issues, talk about your feelings and receive the help that comes from a professional.
Try again.
Do not close off your heart. One bad experience should not dictate how life ultimately is. Be open to new connections, new friends, and give yourself permission to be happy.
Find a centre.
Find a place of peace and stability; this could be talking to God and growing your spiritual life. How about finding a hobby that you love that makes you happy, or, having an accountability partner that shows you what you can’t see.
Socialize and Meet people.
Not everybody has to be the next best friend or even be labelled as a friend, but socialize and get to meeting new people, see how they think and interact. It will help you to appreciate persons individually and not treat everyone as a collective.
Learn from the past but do not dwell there.
Apply what you learnt in that past friendship, not just about the person, but about yourself also. Did you communicate (enough) as you should have about how you felt? Did you know your worth as a friend? Did you have issues with confidence etc. These experiences teach us who we are; use it to become a better friend to someone else and also to know what you want and what you deserve in a friendship.
This concludes our series on Woman Circle where we discussed the characteristics of a good friend, reasons why we move on from girlfriends and now, what happens after the break-up. Remember that persons come into your life for reasons and seasons and some for a lifetime. Be happy with each situation, be satisfied with each relationship, make the best of each moment and live through each moment!
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