Terror is what I see in a young girl’s eyes when she talks of walking the halls past the gaggle of girls that question her about a rumor they heard.
Despair is what I see in another girl’s eyes as she blames herself for the family problems as well as her inability to balance her academic demands. Unable to cope she is withdrawn, curt and irritable so others tease her while others call her mean.
Defiance is what I see in yet another girl’s eyes as she puffs her chest and crosses her arms because she is taught to fight back or be taken advantage of by her abusive, volatile father. Being open about how she feels will only make her a target so she cuts before she is cut.
This is the reality of many young girls that I work with. The unfortunate thing, however, is that what I see at work is a microcosm of a bigger relational problem amongst women.
We are catty.
We are gossipy.
We are untrusting.
While navigating all these pitfalls in our makeup, we wield our pain stained hearts as artillery for mass destruction. Not with physical violence and nuclear weapons, no. It’s indirect, manipulative social aggression.
Social Aggression
Aggression is behavior aimed at harming others[1]. Social aggression is intentionally harming someone using nonphysical means. Also known as relational aggression, the perpetrator’s goal is to inflict or threaten damage to relationships, including harm to the target’s social standing or reputation[2]. This type of aggression takes on several forms including gossiping, social exclusion and intimidation. Social aggression can also be directed towards self in the form of self-injurious behaviour.
According to research social aggression is found to be attributable to emotional problems and mental health. Contributing factors included mental health challenges, dysfunctional relationships with others, family dynamics, social climate of home, school or work, societal and economic factors, personality characteristics, health and disability conditions, psychiatric issues and medications, life experiences and frustrations, lack of empathy and tolerance for others, and low level of resilience and adaptive ability.[3]
Such Distrust and Anxiety
Unresolved and unknown to others, these factors that contribute to social aggression are embedded in social interaction. Girls don’t feel free to share with their peers their struggles citing fear of being fodder for the next mean girl who wants to destroy them. Girls were not a safe place for girls.
But I could not look at these teens as strange beings. The same is true in womanhood. Women are not safe places for other women. We may have mastered tolerating each other and might even champion a sister or two. However, as much as we strive for women empowerment and unity, social aggression lines our vestibules and board rooms, our messages and our posts.
The new girl in the office is still labeled as a suck up when she tries to work hard. The lady who is hard to get along with is the brunt of jokes in the cafeteria. We spend hours behind closed office doors and after bible study, chatting the woman who recently got divorced, the skimpily clad new church sister, the too extra, too holy or too successful.
We think it’s okay because we don’t value each other, we lack empathy, we stand quietly by or let our venomous words flow freely when angered.
How can each of these things be improved on to help reduce this problem?
- Value the Human not the Hearsay
Recently, Ayesha Curry, wife of NBA GOAT star, Steph Curry, was vulnerable with the world, expressing her insecurities since the changes in her body due to pregnancy. The very next day woman after woman tore her to shreds, ridiculing her as narcissistic and ungrateful yet half of them NEVER listened to the interview.
Persons chose sound bites over sound truth. I admonish you ladies to stop grabbing on to bits of information you get on persons and value the woman enough to choose to actively reject things you have not had the chance to assess yourself. Let us, “put away falsehood, …. [and] speak the truth… for we are members one of another. (Ephesians 4:25
- Emotional Intelligence and Empathy
Emotional intelligence is the ability to be be aware of and regulate our own emotions and apply these emotions to problem solving including identifying others emotions whether by calming them down or cheering them up.
In order to do this we must operate with patience, bearing with one another’s faults and become sensitive to other women’s hurts. As a believer we are called to walk in this manner as seen in Ephesians.
“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3)
- Avoid bystander-ism
Another issue in social aggression – the bystanders who say nothing. They don’t say the mean things but they don’t stop it either. Bystanders also exist with gossip, sitting there quietly taking it all in, laughing at points.
Stick a peg in it! Tell the person you do not want to hear about another person. Stand up for the lady, invite her for coffee or her challenging kids for a playdate. End being around persons only if they make you comfortable and are desirable and be active in bringing a change.
- Watch Your Words
It’s not funny, it’s not “ just venting”, and “being real” is the world’s way of encouraging harsh, uncaring words as enlightened truth. This is contrary to the word and what Christ admonishes us to do. His words states, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Ephesians 4:29-31
True sisterhood will not happen if we don’t become safe places for each other to share. When we feel safe, valued and a part of something bigger we gain confidence, camaraderie and community. This could contribute to a decrease in vulnerability to manipulative men who use our isolation and mistrust to draw us into a toxic dependence on their perceived unconditional love. It can decrease feelings of hopelessness as we can openly share and process with each other without fear of retribution or scandal. Moreover, it honors God as he calls us to kindness, empathy and love. Let’s truly be our sister’s keeper
[1] American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology [2] Relational Aggression in School Settings: Definition, Development, Strategies, and Implications Alicia L. Dailey Andy J. Frey Hill M. Walker Children & Schools, Volume 37, Issue 2, April 2015, Pages 79–88,https://doi.org/10.1093/cs/cdv003 [3] Social Aggression Shilpa Arrabairu Journal of Bullying and Social Aggression http://sites.tamuc.edu/bullyingjournal/social-aggression/
Written by Stacy-Ann Smith
M.A. Licensed Counsellor
TBW Writer
Great Article Stacy! Definitely alot of takeaways! What advice would you give to women on how to deal with that sister who tries to always tear down even tho you try to always have her back, the maliciousness is more subtle than overt but it’s enough for people to notice and warn you to be cautious in your dealings with her..The person obviously thinks they are a friend but there is much hypocrisy and two-facing…friends dont do that…so yea what do you do?
An important thing to do is confront your friend. Explain how the makes you feel and not make mention of her motives.
After that I would suggest what speaker and Coach Danny Silk says.
1. Wait and pray: give them them time to process the confrontation and come to terms with and decide to work on reconciliation.
2. Manage your heart: whether the person repents or not work on maintaing a heart clean of bitterness, offense, and unforgiveness
3. Set boundaries. Not negotiating until they make an effort to change their behaviour
AND
4. Try Again. Let them know that reconciliation is still on the table and when they are ready you are willing to work it out
Thanks Jackie! imma definitely try again think i mite a left off some of the steps you suggested and they should make a difference:)