It’s been several weeks since I became that parent whose only child has gone off to college. I hate to admit it but I miss her terribly. The feelings are mixed as I am proud of her; after all she is on the road to becoming a trained Graphic Designer too. She has a flair for creating interesting art- from her mesmerizing drawings. Her thought- provoking paintings and visually appealing photos show promise of her becoming a highly sought- after designer. Recently I found out that she aspires to have her own clothing-line and start her own business. What’s not to be proud of? Yet I keep wondering why I feel such a deep sense of loss.

I googled “what to do when your teen goes off to college” and for a moment I was relieved; I was not the only parent going through this. The article mentioned things like, “try to focus on the areas of interest; pursue the things that you put on the “back burner” when raising your children; use the opportunity to go on romantic getaways with your other half and the list went on…”. After reading and shedding many tears I began to realize that the fear of the unknown is a natural reaction. And I needed to come to terms with the “new normal” and focus on the future.

I am now in a future where I’m rediscovering myself and also my close relationships as I can take advantage of the extra time I now have. For instance, I recently spent a weekend where I attended a local wine festival. I sampled various wines from an assortment of wineries within the Niagara region of Canada; renowned for having some of the best wines in the world. I am not a big drinker, nor am I a wine connoisseur but I was excited to have the opportunity to explore new places and experience something different; something I probably wouldn’t have done before, even though it was often in my dreams.

I suddenly realized there were more things I wanted to do that I had put off or sacrificed because I was either saving or just couldn’t find the time or the opportunity to pursue.

It then dawned on me that I wasn’t just mourning the loss of my baby girl, as she entered the world of “adulting”; but that I was subconsciously trying to avoid facing my reality. A reality that could no longer include thoughts like “I’m just busy being a mom”, or “I can’t do that now, as I need to make sure she is okay.” I somehow believed that self sacrifice was fine, as long as she was happy. But I needed to face my reality.

For many years we were each other’s safe- haven, as her dad and I divorced when she was very young. Maybe I was trying to over-compensate for the loss of her dad. Regardless of the reason, I was intent on her knowing that she could depend on me to be there. Divorce is a painful pill to swallow and I was determined to be the best mom I could be. This determination to be everything to everyone somehow (along the way) caused me to put some of my dreams on hold. Without realizing it, I was avoiding living fully in the moment, especially when I was away from her.

Additionally, if I was out with friends or on a date, I would sometimes find myself wondering if she was okay, or if she was feeling lonely. Then guilt would set in and I would immediately want to be back with her. Even though my daughter is old enough to be on her own, I would worry if she felt neglected, even though there was no reason for her to feel that way. The guilt would slowly wear me down until I eventually would surrender to it.

As I mentioned earlier, it has been several weeks since my daughter went off to college. Ironically, while I guess I was secretly dreading that day would come, I was also praying that it would. I was hoping that she would be excited and happy to be on this new journey. Now that that day has come and gone, life goes on and I have begun to re-focus on the present and be there for my child as much as she will let me. Thank God for technology as we can message each other and video chat! I suppose in a way it could be worse and as they say, “be thankful for small mercies”. I know everything will work out and this too shall pass…eventually.

I have heard stories of people who follow their kids to college, sometimes even dropping everything to be near to their offspring. I try not to judge. We all do various things as a way of coping with whatever changes life brings to us. My mother gave birth to five children and I recently asked her how she managed when each of us left home. She explained that it wasn’t easy initially, but, something she grew to accept. Now that I have gone through essentially the same thing, I have a new appreciation for her and my dad.

They not only raised us to value family but they also made us feel loved and cared for and no matter what age I am or how far away I may be from my parents, I will always feel that close connection to them. I can only hope that my daughter will feel the same way. For now, I take some comfort in knowing that even though I may not see her every day, she still reaches out from time to time, even if it’s just to say, “hi mom”. She knows that she can call on me whenever she needs me.

I am blessed to be able to watch her make her own way in the world, as she takes responsibility for things like decision-making and owning the results of those decisions. We all have “been there and done that”. In fact, life is about making right and wrong decisions and hopefully learning from any mistakes we make along the way.

As a parent, it is not easy to watch our children make mistakes, especially ones that could be avoided. Sometimes that is the only way we can ensure that they will learn from those mistakes and make better choices. At some point, we must let go, in order for them to become who God intended them to be, and not who we want them to be.

For anyone who may be struggling with any aspect of parenting, it helps to research what you are going through. In addition, talking about it with a trusted friend, family member or counselor may also help. It can be overwhelming if you try to handle it on your own without the right information or tools to solve the particular issue you may be dealing with. It is my hope that you also recognize the importance of setting aside time for yourself, in order to refuel and recharge. As well as connecting to what is important to you and what brings you joy, such as a hobby or spending time with friends and other loved ones. In everything it is vital to remember there must be a balance.

At this point, it is important to point out that I am also aware of many parents who dream of seeing their children leave home, so that they can focus on themselves again. Don’t get me wrong, as mentioned before, I too am beginning to adjust and become more in tune with myself. I believe however that my transition would have been a bit easier if I had started doing that before my child left home.

Everyone has their own unique situation and journey. For example, there are persons who through no fault of their own have the responsibility to care for their child for as long as they are alive because of mental or physical conditions. Then there are those whose children refuse to leave home for one reason or another. This article is really for those who find themselves feeling a sense of loss when their child leaves home or who may be thinking about what to expect when that day comes. To you I say, you are not alone and nothing is wrong with you. We all have our moments and once you don’t wallow in it and you see it for what it is, which is just a moment in time, you will be okay.

Embrace letting go and enjoy this new phase in your life and your child’s life because you’ve earned it and you deserve it!

Written by Diana Myrie
Diana is a Registered Retirement Consultant and Life & Wealth Coach with a passion for helping individuals achieve financial success!