Rose (name changed for anonymity) is not your average woman. Her story is one of grace and strength, which is evident in how deeply she loves, and how seriously she takes life and the journeys she chooses. Her story exudes selflessness and fairness; she strongly believes we should give those close to us the benefit of the doubt, and always act on evidence, not whims. Her God given resilience equipped her to face her life battles head on, and emerge from each one triumphant.
Rose, a native of St Lucia, is no stranger to Jamaica, having spent 5 months volunteering her time and expertise with a children’s home in the Spanish Town area, a time she describes as most enjoyable. We spoke with Rose about her marriage and journey with IVF. The experience would be an emotional, heart-wrenching one that no one should have to go through, but through the lessons learnt she is able to encourage other women as they too go through similar experiences.
Here is her story …
I got married in 2003 at the age of 29, and to answer your earlier question of whether or not I was aware before getting married that I was unable to conceive traditionally, the answer is no. I was not aware. I had menstrual problems where there was heavy bleeding, I had a lot of pain and I just thought that it was a feminine thing. I remember at 22 a doctor told me (based on what he saw with my reproductive system) that I needed to have a child. That was not even up for debate at the time because I grew up in a Christian home and you do not have sex until you are married. So I got married when I was 29 and that was when I became sexually active.
We tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant over the next year but it did not occur to us that it was a fertility problem until I was 30 and discovered I had an ovarian cyst. I visited the emergency ward and was told I needed to be operated on immediately; of course I was concerned but had no alternative but to agree. Later on I found out that an operation that should have been 1 hour lasted 6 hours because they found out I had stage 5 endometriosis. In the process I lost all of my tubes and we know what that means as a woman. It was at this point I was introduced to In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF).
We had our consultation with Dr Skinner who was in Barbados at the time; I too did my reading to educate myself and to be aware of side effects from medication once I started the process. It cost ME a lot of money and notice I said ME; the cost was because of my additional feminine woes, having stage five endometriosis and the fact that all of my tubes were gone. I did the process in Barbados having injections, egg retrieval, my husband’s sperm injected to fertilise eggs, eggs being replaced and everything that was involved and my husband was very supportive through it all. I went back to St Lucia, after 2 weeks I did the pregnancy test and it was negative. I paid at the time the equivalent of about USD15000.
Having found out it was negative I went into depression. I questioned God. I was 35 and asked “Why me?” I admit it was a lot to deal with but I thanked God for my supportive husband. We decided to do a second IVF cycle. We visited our doctor to consult on the 2nd IVF cycle and discovered that I had fibroids in my uterus. Could things get any worse? I had to be operated on again which was an added cost of USD5000. This felt like a burden because of the upcoming spending on a second IVF cycle, but the need to have a child was great and so the cost was dismissed. So the procedure was done to remove my ovaries and the doctor discovered that the endometriosis had escalated (did I ask if things could get any worse). After having my ovaries removed we waited 18 months for my body to heal and then I headed back to Barbados for my second round of IVF treatment and because of the added issues they had to increase the medication, especially after finding out that my egg count was low. Increased medication was a challenge for me to say the least.
This time around I was in Barbados by myself. My husband had become withdrawn, and of course I looked for an excuse for him, thinking it was the pressure of work. I am an independent woman having been on my own at a very early age and so I WAS DETERMINED TO DO THIS ON MY OWN. I had no one but myself and the nurses and doctors. I had to do everything myself (including the injections), and through it all I am seeing wives and husbands together at the IVF centre, but, I shut all of that out and focused on doing what I had to. I went through the process up to the point of when the sperm was needed and then he (my husband) came but did not stay beyond having to do just that. My excuse for him was still work pressure, as withdrawn as he was. Once I go through the process and they attached the embryo, I really should have someone with me to do the lifting of heavy stuff, but, I was alone. I encouraged myself and did what I had to do still thinking that I must sacrifice and share my husband with work, even when I needed him the most. I think in hindsight my excuses were because I did not want to get angry. I did not want to get depressed. I wanted to have the best aura to ensure that my baby thrived and that my husband could get his wish for a child.
One morning close to the time I was to do the pregnancy test I found myself in my backyard at 4am crying out to God, not for myself but for my husband because I knew how much he wanted a child. I reminded God of all the dreams and the confirmations and prayed hard for the child who would complete my family. At the end of my prayers I felt a peace, but it was not a peace that reassured me that I would have a positive outcome. It was a peace that told me that whatever the outcome was all would be well. This left me confused. I did the pregnancy test and once again it was negative.
When I told my husband that the pregnancy test was negative, his response was an unemotional “Well at least you tried”. And then everything changed…
A total of USD30,000 spent with no baby as the result, but I never doubted God, I never got angry, I just asked for strength.
My husband travelled to Trinidad for two weeks shortly after, unconcerned about what I was going through. I was alone and prayed to God to make everything plain where my husband was concerned – but, the distance increased. I remember when I had returned from Barbados after doing the 2nd IVF cycle that I had felt darkness (I have very strong intuition) as I entered the house. I asked my husband if someone came into the house while I was not there, but he said I was talking nonsense. My unease grew stronger, and I could not sleep at nights. I asked God to show me what was not so evident. I was almost trying to bargain with him, telling him that he knew I had done everything he wanted me to do. I did not have sex before marriage (I waited until I was 29, imagine that, it is not an easy feat), I was a good wife etc. Not too long after, I got a text from someone pretending to be my friend who informed me of my husband’s infidelity. She had all the facts. Of course when I asked my husband about it he denied everything, and wanted me to believe that it was someone who was jealous. Even with the “evidence” I had, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and found myself once again trying to convince myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. This was partially because of what we were doing together as husband and wife. We bought property on which we were going to build a home, yet something deep inside, (God) was telling me “Girl, you better open your eyes” and so I did just that.
I happened to be on Facebook one day and coincidentally I was looking through the comments of a particular post and there was the young lady who had texted me. A little voice told me to check her profile page. I resisted until good sense prevailed, and I looked and there I saw a picture of her in Trinidad the same week that my husband had visited there also. At this point everything became clear. I questioned him while anger and hurt overwhelmed me. In the midst of me questioning him, he told me that I could not have children and that he no longer wanted to be with me. I thought to myself maybe he did not mean it, after all we were both angry. I went up to him and I said “Do you really mean that?” Once again I was looking for an excuse which I did not get. He replied saying the same thing and further reinforced that he did not want to be with me. I later found out that he had started having affairs as soon as 3 years after we got married.
Although I informed him that all my money was spent on the IVF process, he forced me to move out of the apartment we lived in as our matrimonial home. Clearly I did not know my rights at the time because I was literally begging him not to kick me out. He agreed to pay the rent for an apartment he found for me, but that did not last long because soon after he refused to continue paying, and I had to move to another place on my own.
I went through an extremely traumatic period, alone, basically at rock bottom and starting all over from scratch.
I had next to nothing. Imagine sleeping on only a sheet on the floor after being thrown out of your matrimonial home. I went to counselling and I found my strength. It took some time, but I found my peace after all of the hurt. I went back to concentrating on myself. At this time I was 40 years old. I returned to school (earning my 1st degree) and refocused on me because all of my marriage had been about him and his career. I started a tutoring business while working full time. I now tutor grade 5 and 6 students, and I sort of treat them as my own for the period of time they are with me. I sometimes find myself thinking of them as the children I could have had. Of course I questioned God in my journey of re-discovering myself and without a doubt I received the peace that I needed. I am now helping women who are going through some of the things that I have been through – infertility, divorce, finding themselves and their strength in the middle of what they are going through and my life is just so fulfilling. After not hearing from my ex-husband for a time, he reached out to me saying that he wanted us to reconcile and is asking for my forgiveness.
I have forgiven him to the point where we sometimes spend time together but I have no plans of reconciliation.
TBWM: How did you move beyond the hurt, find the heart to forgive and allow him in your space? What are the benefits that you found by forgiving him?
Rose: It was a miracle, and I owe everything to God for allowing me to not feel anger at this point. It has to be a miracle. Everyone is amazed because they saw what I went through and I thank God every day. I am back to the person I was before I met him. I lost weight (I was 170llbs), I look great, and I sleep better, even my ex-husband is amazed at my transformation. I am no longer lethargic, nor complacent about anything in life. I am back to who I used to be and I welcome my old self. The only drawback is that I have built a wall around me where relationships are concerned, but I do not worry about that because perhaps I need that now. Now is the time for healing in every way imaginable and in time the walls will be broken down by the right person.
Parting words
One of the things my counsellor told me was that I made my husband my all, putting myself on the back burner so that he could do the things he wanted to do. While we have to be supportive of our spouse, it should not be to the point of losing ourselves. My encouragement to women is – work on you, do not forget the woman you are called to be and quietly find the time to talk to God and ask him for directions. Everyone will want to give advice but ultimately it is God that we should look to. Focus on God and allow him to direct you. Whatever you are going through, do not keep it in, find someone to talk to.
Today when women call me for encouragement, I understand exactly why I went through what I did. I believe giving mental and spiritual support to others is one of my callings. I am enrolling to do my MSc in Psychology to help me to become professionally qualified in this area. It is something I have been delaying, but it is definitely a direction I know I am being sent in by the one who truly knew me before he formed me in my mother’s womb.
…and so she rose, and her life is more than she could imagine because her gift of selflessness is being channelled to all the people she has helped while she herself has been healing.
