Anybody in a relationship will tell you it’s not always a bed of roses. There are major and minor hiccups along the journey of love. Some days you feel like you’re on cloud nine and on other days it feels like an army drill or an uphill jog. Relationships can be so tricky at times and getting to that spot where there’s a reasonable balance between good and bad times can be a challenge. Don’t you just wish there were more good times though? No sleeping on the couch days, fewer disagreements and no more dreaded silent treatment? Well hey we’re here to help.
Ladies, if we were to be totally honest, though, we definitely have to admit that some of the quarrels aren’t just about the toilet seat he ALWAYS forgets to put down, the toothpaste he squeezes from the top and not the bottom, the dirty clothes that NEVER seem to make it to the laundry, the lights he leaves on or the crucial errand he forgot to run. Sometimes, it’s both the what and the how it was said. You see, words cut deep and we don’t want to be causing our significant other pain. To help you get out of the woods and end the useless guess games of what to and what not to say, here are a few tips we thought you’d find handy:
“I hate you”
-Emotions can go from zero to one hundred quite quickly and there is a tendency for us to say things we don’t really mean when we’re upset. For the longest while I’ve had this rule of not speaking when I’m upset because once those words are said I can’t take them back. Telling your significant other you hate him will definitely cause him to doubt your love, and opening the door for doubt causes a bunch of other problems like insecurities and sometimes even trust issues. Think about it, if he can’t be certain of your love in the bad times as much as in the good times, then why be with you?
“You Always…” and “You Never…”
If there is anything that undermines communication in a relationship and creates barriers it is starting a sentence as such. After telling your partner this for a while, he’s bound to get defensive because he’ll feel as though you’re impossibly hard to please. Not only that but after a while he may get so frustrated in trying to please you that he stops trying altogether. So instead of saying “You always come home late”, try saying “Honey, is there any way you could come home earlier?” or something similar and without accusation. One is sure to make him feel like you’re out for blood and the other is calm and soothing.
“I’m still in love with my ex”-
The dreaded of the dreaded declarations, trust me this is one you want to keep to yourself, girl. Lock it in in a box and throw away the key…for real real… If you’re still hung up on your ex/exes to the point where you’re always talking about them to your current or worse yet making verbal comparisons, you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. I find that often we jump out of a relationship and jump right to the next and this gives us no time to heal or emotionally process what went down in the past relationship(s). So, we take along this load of emotional baggage and left-over feelings not realizing how harmful it is to our current relationship. Ladies, take the time to process these feelings, however long it may take and, if you need help, try to confide in someone you trust or talk to a professional counsellor.
“I want a divorce” or “I’m breaking up with you”-
Telling him you need a divorce or that you’re breaking up with him is an absolute no-no, unless you actually intend to do so. Not only does it come off as a threat, it gives the impression that as soon as things get bad, you’re ready to walk away. Being together in the first place, married or not, suggests a level of commitment and saying this often, mistake or no mistake, is going to cause him to question his importance in your life and whether you’re his ride or die girl. There’s a reason for extreme opposites in traditional wedding vows: “for better or worse”, “in sickness and health”, “for richer or poorer “you get the picture. The reason is because there will be bad times. How these bad times are dealt with makes a world of difference in any relationship.
“Your fat”- (not necessarily those words but painting a picture as such)
If there’s anything I’ve learnt about men it’s the majority of them like to be pleasing to the eye as much as women do or probably even more. They love compliments as much as we do and so you’ll find that negative comments concerning their physical appearance make a direct blow to their ego. They don’t go to the barber, spend hours working out at gym or buy nice clothes just for fun; it’s because they too want to put their best self out there. Telling him he’s fat might cause him to feel insecure in regular clothes and may also affect his performance in the bedroom, as he’ll not feel as sexy as he used to (naked). If there is a genuine concern about his weight, suggest starting up a fitness regimen together or maybe eating healthier. Find the kindest way to soften the blow. He will love you for it.
“You’re too small”-
A very touchy and delicate topic but we had to go there. There is absolutely no going around this one because I know of relationships that have ended because of this line and of men who have literally stopped dating for years because a “Sista” dropped the traumatizing “you’re too small” line. Ladies, men are very sensitive on matters regarding their manhood. For most, and especially in this modern day, the bigger the better size is glorified. Almost nobody wants to hear “you’re small”. Mind you, not all men are equally blessed, and that is just how it is. What might not satisfy you might send a more experienced woman to heaven and back, so it’s really not a case of size. Try experimenting with different positions and see what works best but by all means avoid this line. Avoid blaming your partner about something he’s unable to fix and instead discover the joys that can be had from exploration.
“Shut up”-
Real men mostly speak the language of respect and to tell a man or anyone for that matter to “shut up” is often considered as heights of disrespect. I think one of the reasons why it is considered disrespectful is because we usually assume that once someone voices their opinion it is, well,…important, so essentially telling a man to “shut up” equates to “I don’t value you or care enough about your opinion to listen”.
“It’s either you ______or _______”-
Fill in the blanks. How many times have we used this line to help get our way with things? There are times in life when ultimatums are truly necessary but in the context of relationships they usually don’t function very well because there’s nothing pleasurable about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Yes, you may point out that it gives him choices, but does it really? Giving ultimatums ultimately robs a man of his ability to have a say in things and when you think about it, it is sometimes a form of subtle manipulation and forcing him against his will. Sistas, the last thing you want is for your man to feel like you’re forcing him. Trust me you’ll get better and more enthused responses if you just leave him to choose on his own after sharing your thoughts on the matter.
“Why did you like her pictures?” or “why are you on the phone so long”-
Straight talk: men don’t like a jealous woman. There are times when there is really NOTHING going on. He might just be helping out a good friend for just the sake of helping out a good friend. No strings attached. And on the matter of looking, yes, he may be looking…he is still a man… and still very much attracted to other females, but, baby girl, he’s been looking from the day he was born. He chose you and is still with you and that says something.
“You’re a liar/lying”-
Trust killer alert! Lol! If you want your man to get all defensive and switch to autopilot mode, this is the perfect way to do that. He’ll probably give you the silent treatment for a whole year or get really upset and verbally lash out if he’s that type. This is perhaps a level or two above telling a man to “shut up” and definitely on the list of things men consider disrespectful. Not only do they think it’s disrespectful, but it makes him think you don’t trust him or believe what he’s saying. In the case if he does lie, find another way to suggest you don’t necessarily believe what he is saying.
Whoever said love doesn’t hurt lied because sometimes it really does hurt. Love almost always involves sacrifice and sacrificing can hurt. In the end, biting your tongue can result in the good health of the relationships and it is totally worth it. So, keep some of these pointers in mind and hey! You got this! Watch those words and your tone and you should be alright.
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